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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
random rants/ i love my fedora outfit! :DD okay , i finally changed my blogskin . cus the previous one alot of ppl got problems with it . so now shld be alright le ? ^^ hahas . ECP canceled tmr. can't wait for thurs&fri ^^ i wanna go down to Centrepoint visit Rachael! i wanna go down to RP visit Adriena! i wanna go SHOPPING! :/ you are making me feel helpless.. i want to help you , i want to do something for you , i want to be there for you at the very least , but you aren't letting me do anything for you . you have been thr for everything for the past few years , i really hate seeing you the way you are now, seeing you helpless ; hate seeing you facing everything alone . you told me before that i will never be alone ; so this time , this is for you, you are not alone, buddy
thought it thru&thru alrd. let me just emo over the same thing again one last time , & then i will get over it once and for all. yes, this time, it's for real. no matter how hard it takes, i will move forward. knew you through J. you were the first person i knew when i first entered Dunman. remembered how i first saw you. hahas , so dramatic. really. remembered how we shared stories with each other , cracked jokes, laughed stupidly , doing all the crazy things . rmbered your common catchphrase , the "crow" handsign you'd make, and the silly expressions from you. remembered how i used to wait for you after school cus uppersec classes ends 30mins later than lowersec classes; rmbered how i used to end up at your house after sch almst everyday. miss the times we msged everyday, day&night. rmbered those times when i told sis everyday about you. hahas! and she wld make fun of your name. cute. miss seeing the times you got worried for me. esp those times when you wanted to rush down immediately to accompany me but cus my parents were around. haha! rmbered thr was once whr i got really worried for you as well. first, & last time. you got into the accident while biking. silly you still said it was nothing; you still described that 'flying' feeling; still told me you thought you'd die this time. silly. after that you started your intensive olvls study. we stopped talking much, cus you were busy & i didnt want to disturb you studying. we drifted away a lil. & then you graduated from Dunman. rmbered how i felt on the first day of school after you graduated - weird, lost, like something's missing. that year's speechday, the only year you returned to school. didn't expect you to return at all. seriously, cus of your heck-care school attitude. i saw you anyway. biking away. rmbered how i tried capturing a photo of you while you were biking away.. & then i had an attachment at your school that year. of all schools , it had to be your school . idk, but during that time , i wished.. i really wished i wld like 'coincidentally' bump into you. then during the last day of the attachment .. someone tapped my shoulder at the busstop, someone with dyed brown hair, all styled up. someone really tall with that same familiar face.. said, hi. haha ! i won't forget how you looked , wont forget your smile , wont forget how i felt - excited , damn happy ... then after that, missing you like hell. regretting why i hadn't stayed a lil longer & chat with you . i thought that was the last time i was going to see you. nearly most of my diary entries, most of my blogposts were about you. told you how i felt, but you never gave me an answer. thereafter , i thought i got over you alrd . i deleted your number from my handphone . deleted your msn from my contact list . deleted you from friendster. deleted every picture i had of you . but do you know , i still remember your number , i still remember your e-mail , and i still remember how you look like. i was moving on, on the surface maybe. until last year , at JL sales , shocked, surprised, unexpected. really. i saw you again. you, walking in.. with your mom . hard not to notice you. i was following you around. did you know ? i was at a distance , trying to catch glimpses of you. did you know ? and then you saw me , but you didn't say anything . not even a simple 'hi' . was it because you weren't sure if it was me ? i dont know. but i regretted . regretted not saying anything to you when i met you . and i've been wanting to see you again ever since . thats why i took up the cashiering job , so that if you ever went to JL sales again , i wouldn't miss you . it has been a good 3 years .. changing myself for you.. doing all the silly , stupid , foolish , illogical things . for what ? for who ? i was even thinking of waiting for you . thinking maybe one day we'd meet again, somehow, somewhere. idk how , just hoping that it wld happen someday . i was searching for your profiles online . typing details about you , hoping i'd see you around somewhr online . idk. and then , i found your facebook account recently . should i be happy ? i dont know. im sorry for saying so many i don't knows .. but i really dont know. i saw you in your graduation 'gown' . well, felt happy for you, really. wished i was thr personally to witness. oh well.. it's time to move on. yes. ^^ 3 years have been quite a while . i've been missing out on too many things .. for someone not worth at all. you left me good & bad memories. for all the bad things that you have done , for all the words that came from you sometimes, shocked me. but still, i choose to ignore; ignore the fact that you've been sucha .... i dont know when, you became my softspot. BUT, i will move on. if i say it like i i mean it, then probably i will believe that it's true. even if it would take me forever, i will still pull this shit together and move on. i will live on better than you do. like i said, this will be the last time. last time i'd be tearing over him . last time i'd be doing all the crazy things . last time alrd. without you, my life's gonna be so so much better. :) & despite all these nonsenses I've just uttered, I'm a happy kid with great family & friends. _______________________________________ |
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